Male, Female, Man, Woman, Tomato, Potato...Whatever...

There are huge differences in how men and women communicate, but the most known differences are those that are exaggerated. On worldoffemale.com there is an article entitled When Your Girlfriend Talks, What Is She Really Saying? and this comic article explores what men think women are truly saying. "When she says: I think I need some space...Translation: Stop bothering me loser!" (KBP,worldoffemale.com, 2011). Following the translation is a kernel of knowledge entitled Remedy and this implies what the man can do to make his woman happy again, "To fix this situation, figure out what you are doing that's annoying her and try to stop. Or even better, if you wish to maintain a relationship with any women for longer than a week, stop playing World of Warcraft and watching anime. That usually works best" (KBP, worldoffemale.com, 2011). The translations continue: "She says: I am not looking for a relationship right now...Translation: I am not looking for a relationship with you!, She says: I think we need a break...Translation: I want to see if there are any better guys on the market!, She says: Where is this relationship going?...Translation: This relationship has no future. Make a move or I am gone!, She says: I think we should be just friends...Translation: You are not boyfriend material or I met someone better than you, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings" (KBP, worldoffemale.com, 2011). Have men really figured out what women are saying? And if they have figured out what we're saying then do they know what women want? Obviously because they have solutions to the things women say. However, Sigmund Freud once said, "Despite my thirty years of research onto the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question that have never been answered: What does a woman want?" Well being a woman myself, there are times I don't even know what I'm saying nor what I want, but  because of websites like these, it's so good to know that there are men out there that get me.

Women are just as guilty as men are at trying to translate what the other gender is saying like men are a new species. Women have a tendency to buy into the "Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars" thing a little too much. Our magazines are full with tips on how to get a good man, how to get rid of a bad man, and how to turn a bad man into a good man. And we're constantly trying to figure out what our men are thinking. Jeff Foxworthy once stated, "I'm here to tell you what we're really thinking...we're thinking: I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked. I wish it was deeper than that, but it's not! I'd like a beer and I'd like to see something naked."

Why do men and women think the other is so different? Because that's how we're raised, that's what society teaches us. Men and women are different in every way including how we communicate. Women use their communication to connect on a deeper level and "maintain relationships with others" (Wood, 2009, p. 128). Men's communication is used to "accomplish concrete goals, exert control, preserve independence, entertain and enhance status" (p. 130). Just looking at the goals behind why men and women communicate is polar opposite. Men want control and women want meaningful relationships. Women are more likely to bond by talking where men bond more by doing (Wood, 2009). Men don't sit and talk about their problems like women do. Studies show that men prefer to watch a sports game, bowl, or play video games to get their emotions out (2009). Women love to talk!  There is a lot of data out there, but on average women say 7,000 words per day where as men use around 2,000 (corsinet.com, 2011). If those numbers don't suggest there are communicative differences between genders then I don't know what else would.

From personal experiences with my husband the differences are much easier than all the scholars and scientists make it out to be. Men try to fix their emotions and they try to fix our emotions too. For example when I'm upset and I want to talk about it, my husband can't just talk he has to ask, "What do you want me to do?" He is expecting to get out his tool belt and slap some duct tape on my problems, but all I want to do it talk...which is what women want. We don't want our problems solved or fixed, we just want to talk, we want to get out our emotions, and we just want to be listened too. I've had to tell Jeff on a few occasions, "I don't want you to DO anything I just want you to listen." I've even talked to my best friend Elyce and her husband Porter and they say the same thing. Porter is an engineer and looks at everything like an equation to be solved, Jeff works on motorcycles and sees my problems as something that just needs new spark plugs.

Men-Talk and Women-Talk are common terms for how women and men talk, but in reality we have the same wants and the same goals, but we just go about getting it in different ways. "Through female glasses, male behavior looks a certain way, [and visa versa] and sometimes what seems wrong may be simply different. Men [and women] often need far more understanding than fixing" (marriagemissions.com, 2011). 

corsinet - wasting time on the internet since 1990!. (n.d.). corsinet - wasting time on the internet since 1990!. Retrieved April 23, 2011, from http://corsinet.com

KBP. (n.d.). When Your Girlfriend Talks, What Is She Really Saying?. Women Magazine - Healthy Recipes | Health, Lifestyle and Beauty Tips. Retrieved April 23, 2011, from http://www.worldoffemale.com/when-your-girlfriend-talks-what-is-she-really-saying/

Quotes on “Gender Differences” | Marriage Missions International. (n.d.). A Christian Marriage Website | Marriage Missions International. Retrieved April 23, 2011, from http://www.marriagemissions.com/quotes-on-gender-differences/

Wood, J. (2009). Gendered Verbal Communication. Gendered lives: communication, gender, and culture (8. ed., pp. 117-137). Belmont, Calif.: Wadsworth.

Helpless No More

I remember walking into Buffalo Wild Wings that December night in 2007. My husband and I ready to start another Friday night of fun with friends, karaoke, wings, and a drink or too. I noticed our normal waitress wasn't her bubbly, upbeat self as she came to our table with the news, Abby, a waitress at the popular sports bar was gone. Not only was she a waitress there, but she was a friend and a light hearted spirit that sang "Don't Stop Believe'n" every Friday night before the bar closed at 2:00 in the morning. 

Abigail (Abby) Robertson

Liz, our friend and waitress, told us what happened. She was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. He stabbed her 27 times and shot her four times in the head and arm. He had been stalking her for some time, did thousands of dollars damage to her car, and even told a friend of his his plans to kill her, but no one stopped him. The ex-boyfriend, Marcus Hightower, was sentenced to life in prison without bail. Abby's parents created a website to honor their daughter's life: http://www.abbysvoice.com/home.html. 

I believe violence is a form of communication. In Abby's case her ex was communicating, "If I can't have you no one will." Violence is about power, establishing it, keeping it, or gaining it back. He was angry, jealous, and obsessed. This topic is a very touchy subject for me because I was abused - not by a partner, but by my friends growing up. The type of abuse i endured would fall under Intimate Partner Violence. They used physical, mental, emotional, and verbal power to keep me "in my place" for 10 years, but I am proud to say I have overcome those horrors and am a new woman today.


Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is the most common form of gender violence and it is often the hardest to get out of. A dear friend of mine is having a hard time with her husband right now. She told me he said, "You can't leave me! Where would you go? NOWHERE!" That's the number one excuse I've heard, "I have nowhere to go." Another aspect of IPV is to have economic power. I looked at her with serious eyes and told her, "You come to my house. He can't use that against you anymore. You have a place to go." Since then we have come up with a plan. She's going to get a bus pass so he can't take away transportation, and has secured a job so she has income to keep herself going. One thing I have found is if you take the abuser's power away they become just as powerless as the abused, and thanks to the memories of people like Abby the helpless are no longer. They are informed, they have choices, and they are given a support group. They now have a hope they never thought possible.   

Represent!

How can women be represented globally? Well they are...but in a negative way. When news happens and women are in the head line it's normally because of rape, murder, kidnapping, or some other injustice. Women are nearly never held in a positive light when it comes to representation unless the topic is breast cancer survivors, or new mothers. But even then, the good news is tainted by the woman's cultural background.

Our news stations, newspapers, and magazine covers are littered with the horrors that women face on a day to day bases across the globe. I believe women could be represented MORE globally if instead of the negative the positives were highlighted. For example there is a woman, Asma Jahangir, and she has spent most of her career defending the rights of women, religious minorities, and the children of Pakistan. (www.jazbah.org/asmaj.php, 2011). She has done so much for her community, but very few people have actually heard of her and her great works. Just because the news is littered with horror stories, doesn't mean women are incapable of defending themselves, living a strong, independent life, or being a success.

Stereotypes are deeply embedded within our culture and they exist for everyone no matter the cultural background, economic status, or race they exist, but breaking them is the hard part. Generalization and the stories that come from these generalizations are what create these stereotypes and our society needs to realize that everyone despite their cultural background, economic status, or race they are all individuals and should be treated as such. Once this is accomplished then everyone, not only women, will achieve equal representation.

Women of Pakistan - Asma Jahangir. (n.d.). Jazbah Magazine - Profiles and Interviews. Retrieved March 30, 2011, from http://www.jazbah.org/asmaj.php

My Own Ideal Beauty

The media is everywhere. Billboards, music, radio stations, iPods, laptops, the internet, TV, movies, commercials, video games, books, magazines, and etc...it is literally everywhere. It is believed that the average person sees over 3,000 adverts a day (McCarver, 2011). Media saturation, we absorb the media like a sponge and we are dripping with it. Within the media saturation there is agenda setting. The media doesn't tell us what to think, more so they tell us what to think about. The only way this can be combated is through media literacy. We need to be fluent in the media language, look at media from a critical view, and look at media through an educated lends.

These are all things that Smart Girl has done an excellent job of addressing. The best example of how this is done is through the idea that models seems perfect, but yet not perfect enough. There is an activity that we do with the girls: we look at magazine ads, articles, and pictures. We have them pick one that really stands out to them for whatever reason and then we discuss it as a group. The goal is to show them what's real and what's not. We also talk about the processes that the models go through to look the way they do in those ads. We also show them videos that show the process. We also show them pictures of anorexics - the models that have taken it too far. We de-mask the beauty ideal.    

It's important for the girls to realize that what they view as real isn't. We then have the girls take their magazine and throw it, really throw it. It's a powerful exercise that really hits home, not only for the girls, but the guides as well. It brings up all types of emotions ranging from anger to sadness. Once all the smoke and mirrors are taken away it's much easier to see that the elephant is still in the room.

I once had a shirt that said, "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm so close it scares me." We, as humans, aren't anywhere close to being perfect, but I also believe that perfection is in the eye of the beholder. I think I am perfect just the way I am, but it's difficult to not give in to the saturation I face day to day. The goal in the end is for the girls to feel the same way, but that can only be done if we help them stop thinking about being the "ideal" beauty and show them that they are their own "ideal" beauty.


McCarver, G. (Director) (2011, March 15). Media & Communication. Gender & Communication. Lecture conducted from Communication Department, Denver.

Pray for Me...I Work with Teens

I'm not crazy, I haven't gone temporarily insane, I have not been committed, and I am not on drugs! There's nothing wrong with me, I just enjoy working with teens. However, it's easy to see why people think I've gone a bit peculiar. Working with Smart Girls has really made me look back on my teenage years and think about my life as compared to the girls I'm helping today. And the teens today have so much more to face in their day to day lives than I did seven years ago. 

Firstly, kids are being exposed to the media world at a much younger age. Newborns are being put in front of the television so Mom can get a moment (Barta, 2009). In 2006 the average age of the first internet exposure was eleven and in 2009 it went down to five (Barta, 2009). Now "the largest consumer of internet porn is 12 to 17 year-olds" (Barta, 2009). Music, movies, television shows, iPods, and iPhones, are making it easier for this age group to burst their innocents bubble. And also, a commercial is 60 seconds long and a television show goes to commercial every 10-12 minutes - this is the leading cause of teens' shrinking attention spans. The average adolescent's attention span is 11 minutes (Barta, 2009). Now take that attention span and try to teach it math.

Also, their work load has grown. Teens are expected to be miniature grown-ups instead of just enjoying their youth. 80 percent of teens have a job and are working before they graduate high school and are working a minimum of 20 hours a week (Barta, 2009). For example a high school student is at school from 7:30 AM to about 2:30 PM - that's approximately seven hours a day - which is roughly 35 hours a week, then add their work load. 80 percent of teens have a 55 hour work week and that's not including the time spend doing homework. Is it a wonder why they don't want to get out of bed in the morning? In middle schools and elementary schools school boards are debating whether or not to get rid of recess and making school start earlier and get out later (Barta, 2009). 

Along with media and work teens are also faced with hardships within their social spheres. It is common knowledge that teens have issues with their peers over drugs, alcohol, sex, and for girls eating disorder, and a common stereotype that teens don't get along with their parents. The family sphere is actually more important in a teen's development than that with their peers (Barta, 2009). Family time is very important for teens, but because of media quality family time has almost disappeared. Adolescents in America spend an average of four hours a week playing outside, spending time with family, and socializing, whereas adolescents in Europe spend an average of five hours per day with their families, playing outdoors, and generally socializing (Barta, 2009). Also the rate of teens growing up in a divorced family is rising. "1/3 of first marriages end in divorce" (Barta, 2009). And the difference between genders and divorce is staggering. Girls are more likely to sleep around and boys are 1/3rd more likely to get a sex change if they grow up without a father figure present (Barta, 2009).

There are several stereotypes surrounding teens and those who work with them. I personally get irked when someone says to me, "Why work with teens? They're beyond help." They are never beyond help despite all the statistics out there because they are just that - statistics. It's really about having the patience and being humble enough to remember you were once in their shoes and NO ONE is perfect. So when people tell me I'm crazy, I've gone temporarily insane, I need to be committed, or that I am on drugs I just smile and say, "Someone's gotta do it, and it might as well be someone who cares about them and their drama." 

Barta, M. (Director) (2009, August 19 - 2009, November 30). Adolescent Psychology. Lecture conducted from  Metropolitan State College of Denver, Denver.

"Because I Got High"

Whether it is fashion, cars, television shows, hair styles, or technology new trends are appearing every day and the biggest consumers of these trends are teens. Because teens are such consumers of fads it’s easy to see why they create their own trends, but some of their trends have a second meaning behind them. However, one of the darkest new secrets in the world of adolescent trends is that of drug abuse.

Because I am studying to be a high school counselor it's important to know about and understand all the drug related issues that are out there for teens to experiment with. I read an article entitled Trends in Adolescent Drug Abuse and this article opened up my eyes to what’s really out there for teens to use to get high. “Pharm” parties, for example, are when “teens take drugs from their home medicine cabinets to [a party] where the pills are mixed together in bags or bowls” (Wilson, 2010, p. 125). They then take turns picking random pills out of this giant grab bag and take them. There’s also a mixture called “cheese”. This is a mixture of heroin and cough medications that teens snort up their noses (Wilson, 2010). Ecstasy, MDMA, and Ritalin are among the top drugs teens use to get high as well (2010).

One maybe asking: how do teens get their hands on these drugs? Especially if these drugs aren’t readily available at home. Teens have rediscovered the internet as their in home drug dealer. “The internet allows teenagers rapid access to information about using new drugs of abuse, so adolescent patterns of drug misuse and abuse are continually evolving” (Wilson, 2010, p. 127) and these trends are in fact constantly evolving. Did you know teens can order Salvia Divinorum, a psychotropic drug that has been outlawed in all 50 states, on the internet! (2010).

It is also noted that “cheese” is used as “starter heroin” (Wilson, 2010, p. 125), but before teens even touch hard core drugs, such as heroin, they begin with gateway drugs; the most common gateway drug being marijuana. These drugs normally lead to harder drugs, but teens also use solvents that can be found at home, commonly referred to as huffing. Inhaling the fumes from spray pant cans, rubber cement, white out, permanent markers, and so forth. Some believe that teens use gateway drugs to try to recapture the very first high they ever had, and we've all experienced this high: spinning in a circle and getting dizzy. That's a high.

Another thing that really shocked me about this article is that it has information from 2007. That was four years ago! How can these trends and parties be so underground that they're just starting to come to light four years ago? It takes deaths. "Cheese" came to light in 2005 after several teens in Dallas Texas died. Then “in 2007, the Dallas County medical examiner reviewed cases from the preceding two years and suggested that as many as 17 deaths in teenagers were caused by cheese” (Wilson, 2010, p. 125). However, when drugs like heroin, or marijuana can't be found teens move toward another popular trend: The Choking Game. It produces the same type of high as spinning in a circle, but the effects last longer. But, once again, this trend has only come to light because of all the accidental suicides.

It's so important to be aware of the things teens are doing, not only to be able to recognize the effects, but also because parents, teachers, and counselors need to know how to educate and communicate with their teens about these things.

He who said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door, or raised a teen.

 
Wilson, H. T. (2010). Trends in Adolescent Drug Abuse. Annual editions: drugs, society, and behavior 2010/2011 (25th ed., pp. 124-127). Boston: McGraw-Hill Higher Education.

Someone Like Me

What are girls facing today? In the social sphere their facing peer pressure, complicated cliques, relationships with boys (sexual), and all around drama. In the family sphere they're trying to figure out how to express themselves at home, how to separate themselves from sibling, and develop their own identity. And then in the cultural sphere they're battling beauty advertisements, dieting ideals, music videos, "proper" make-up and skin up-keep, and so forth. Even at school girls are facing gender stereotypes. The curriculum is set in gender stereotypes. For example, very few women are brought up in history lessons and if they are discussed they tend to fall under two different categories. First there are the women who fit into the traditional gender rolls like Betsy Ross who sewed the American flag (Wood, 2011). The "second group of women highlighted...distinguished themselves on men's terms and in masculine contexts" (Wood, 2011, p. 192). An example given of this type of woman is Mother Jones who was an organizer for unions (Wood, 2011). If girls can't even learn about women in their own history, then how do they find someone to look up to? They look to the media.

Lindsey Lohan may find herself in jail soon because of theft and drug abuse, Miley Cyrus (aka Hannah Montana) has reached her teen years and has rebelled by getting tattoos (nothing wrong with that mind you) and smoking marijuana. Paris Hilton...I don't think I need to explain why she isn't a good role model. Who do girl have to look up to? How, in this day and age with sex parties (e.g. rainbow parties) and drug parties (e.g. pharm parties), all the negative media messages, and holes in their own history do they grow up to be strong, confident, brave women?

Who needs celebrities to look up to when girls can look up to the young women in their own lives? Smart Girls offers just that. A lot of people see Smart Girls as another form of a youth group outside of religion, but it's so much more than that. The roll playing and games the girls play in each session actually teach the girls a deeper lesson. For example we play a game called Someone Like Me. Someone stands in the middle and says, "I'm looking for someone, someone like me who..." and they say something like, "plays soccer" and those who have played soccer walk briskly through the circle to find a new spot. It's very much so like musical chairs, but with a twist. This game, while fun, shows girls what they have in common and helps build friendships with girls they never would have been friends with whether it be because of social status, peer pressure, or their own generalizations of their peers. We teach them positive self talk and how to keep positive not only about their physical self, but also their personalities. We also show them videos from youtube.com that have lesson behind them. 

Bullying is also addressed: how to prevent it and what to do if they find themselves being bullied, or are the bully themselves. We talk about boys, relationships, family issues, academic hardships, friends, and other touchy subjects. We offer a safe, non-bias, non-judgmental environment for the girls in our group so they feel welcome, the feel trust, and they can be themselves and have fun. Which is also what any of us really want, but the most important thing we do in Smart Girls is we talk about every thing we do with the girls. It's not about us, it's about them and what they learn. Our job is to give them the tools to use throughout their lives to accomplish what seems impossible.

I'm looking for someone, someone like me who feels good about themselves, accepts who they are, and can truly be themselves. Ready...set...RUN!

Wood, J. T. (2011). Gendered Education: Communication in Schools. Gendered lives: communication, gender, and culture (9th ed., pp. 187-205). Australia: Wadsworth Cengage Learning.

I've Got High Hopes

It's coming, the excitement is building, my palms are sticky, my heart is racing, and...no new e-mails. Why haven't I been placed yet? Kepner Middle School please call me back! Being a volunteer with Smart Girls has really got my energy level up and I haven't even started yet! But my enthusiasm has gotten me thinking about my expectations for this experience and thought they are high I'm also scared.

The social arena has changed so much in the five years I've been out of high school, I could only imagine what it's like for these girls now! I do realize I cannot relive my past years through these girls, that's not fair to them, and it's unhealthy for me, but I know I can regain my faith in adolescent girls that they can learn from their mistakes and grow because of them. This is what I want to do, these are the types of teens I want to work with, I am expecting to not only teach the girls I mentor, but I want them to teach me. I am hoping to become a kid again and learn along with the girls. Even though I am a 23 year-old woman I still have a lot to learn about bullying, sexting, sexual harassment, how to make good friends, and how, as a woman, to not let the messages the media spits out to get to me. Smart Girls teach confidence, bravery, and universal kindness. Universal values that we all could stand a few more lessons on.

I'm also scared. Anxious mostly, but scared none-the-less. I have over 10 years invested in working with kids ranging in ages from two months to 16, but no matter how much experience one may have - you're never fully ready for what's to come. I have worked with teens from disorganized families, I have mentored a 12 year-old pregnant girl, I have helped repair friendships, mend broken hearts, and minimize egos - so why am I still so anxious? Just like teens I am afraid they wont like me. Knowing from experience, it's difficult to connect with teens on a personal, intimate level if they don't like you. Sometimes I'm a little bit of a "mama bear", but I hope they look at that as me caring about them and not me trying to be their mother. Will they like my tattoos? Will the respect me? Will they trust me? Will they be honest with me in group? The anxiety from these questions is overwhelming, but the best way to answer them is to go and experience it.

Though I am anxious, scared, and worried I am still very excited to be a part of this experience. I've got high hopes, high wishes, and a lot of prayers.  

Two Rights Make A Right

Rights. This word brings up so many different things: our right to free speech, our right to bare arms, and also female and male rights. To be perfectly honest I knew about all the different woman's rights movements and I didn't even know that men had their own movements outside of moving from one side of the couch the other. I will be the first one to admit that when it comes to anything political I am a little naive, but through the reading I have come to understand and like both sides of the specturum.

Women fought for their right to vote and were granted that right in 1920, but the first fights for woman's rights took place in the 1840's with the first "woman's rights convention...in 1848" (Wood, 2011, p. 71). Many types, or labels, of feminism emerged over the years, but the one that I feel I most identify with is Revalorism feminism. These feminists "focus on appreciating women's traditional activities and contributions and increasing society's appreciation if women and their contributions to society...[and] increase the value that society places on women and on the skills, activities, and philosophies derived from women's traditional roles" (Wood, 2011, p. 79). Every woman, including myself, likes their hard work to be noticed and appreciated and what better way that to start with the simple things they do around the house? Our traditional roles include cooking, cleaning, baring and raising children, and pleasing their husband emotionally, mentally, and sexually. My personal experiences with this revolve around my husband. He thanks for for cleaning, doing the laundry, and even though we don't have any children yet he complements me on how good a mother he knows I will be someday. Women's contributions go outside the home as well. Teachers, nannies, babysitters, social workers, counselors, and the list goes on and on. Our "natural" nurturing stretches beyond the home and into our jobs, social networks, and everyday lives. It's okay to embrace the traditional gender roles, but once they start to rule your life then maybe you've taken feminism too far. I embrace my roots as the great granddaughter of Irish immigrants - I cook (to the best of my ability), I clean (my favorite pastime), and I long to have kids, but it's my husband who wants to stay home with the kids and that's okay with me because he embraces and celebrates not only what I do at home, but what I can do outside the home.

Men staying home with the kids? Volunteering to be a stay at home dad? It's becoming more and more acceptable, but slowly men are fighting back to regain their masculinity. As a woman it's difficult for me to connect with a men's right's movement, but one in particular stood out to me above all the others: MVP, Mentors in Violence Prevention (Wood, 2011). I, much like MVP, believe that there is a difference between a person and their behavior. "Men are not naturally violent and we don't think men are bad. The majority of men are not violent" (Wood, 2011, p. 102). If a man can recognize his triggers, understand his own anger, and emotions then he then has the tools to end violence in his life. Even though violence is linked to masculinity in our culture (Wood, 2011), MVP teaches men how to still be masculine, but in a less destructive way. MVP believes that the views on masculinity in our current culture is "toxic for all of us" (Wood, 2011, p. 103). It's amazing to think that two groups - seemingly different - can make it right for the whole.

           
Wood, J. T. (2011). The Rhetorical Shaping of Gender: Men's Movements in the United States.. Gendered   lives: communication, gender, and culture (9th ed., pp. 95-114). Australia: Wadsworth Cengage Learning. 

Wood, J. T. (2011). The Rhetorical Shaping of Gender: Women's Movements in the United States. Gendered lives: communication, gender, and culture (9th ed., pp. 69-93). Australia: Wadsworth Cengage Learning.

Smart Girls in Training

An amazing weekend was had by all who attended the Smart Girl training weekend. Two and a-half days and 21 hours of laughter, tears, games, and momentous learning. It was a great weekend to re-live the middle school years I never had. Made friends with other women (32) that I am blessed to have met and shared this weekend with. It was a weekend I will never forget and I can honestly say, with all the joy my heart can muster I cannot wait to begin the adventure.

All the Volunteers from Gender & Communication

The "Whatever" Boards! - Just write or draw...Whatever!!!

Sameen and Anna - Our Fearless Leaders!

(And Fan - back right)

 What Should Smart Girl be About? Brain Storm!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watch the video and see what it was like for us this weekend! We learned the exclusive smart girl handshake...how you get to learn it.

Dance!

Teenage years. We all remember them - the good, the bad, and the confusion. My teen years were full of trials ranging from average boy problems, to emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive friends, and a whole in my heart that no one could fill. I fought with depression and emptiness for years! I needed someone to help me along the way...my mom was always there for me, my sister to this day is still my best friend, but I needed someone who had been there before. And now that I've come to terms with my past I want to use my experiences to aid the lives of adolescent girls. This is my driving passion! And thanks to Smart Girls I am going to get one step closer to my dream.  

My personal life philosophy is: Life is full of storms and if you're afraid to go out and dance in the rain you're going to miss some great puddles. I want those I help through this experience to dance. This is an opportunity I've been searching for for a few years now. Some how, some way I was going to get a foot in the door of the world I longed to be a part of and I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to touch the lives of girls who need someone to look up to.


I can't wait! Let the dance begin!

Mothers, Daughters, Fathers, and Blunders

In the house hold growing up is when normal people begin to learn about gender. What's approprate and what's unexceptable. Mom's and dad's are the roll models for young minds to understand gender rolls within the family. Again...for a normal people. I called my older sister Ramey and asked her, "Do you remember Mom or Dad pushing gender rolls on us? Or a time they really communicated our gender to us through something?" She thought and thought and finally said, "No, not really." So we began to reminisce about the "good ol' days". Ramey's favorite toys were her Barbie and Hot Wheels. I had baby dolls and a skateboard. If we wanted to wear pants we wore pants, if we wanted our hair in pig tails so we could go roll in the mud Mom was happy to do so. At one point our Mom taught us how to belch on command and Dad taught me the words to a song from Dirty Dancing. Dad called me Princess (and sometimes still does), but Mom never let that go to my head. I can safely say Ramey and I grew up in an unbiased environment when it came to gender. We played football with our uncles, we braided each others hair, and jumped on the trampoline skinning our knees every chance we could get. Mom did make us wear dresses once, but it was on Easter. "Never again" she said after the fight I gave her. God Bless my mom and dad for putting up with us and allowing us to go through our tomboy phases without argument, for buying us the toys we wanted and not contemplating the effect of boy toys of the mind of their girls, and for letting us explore life and make discoveries on our own.

As I grew up and discovered what it meant to be a female. Make-up, purses, bras...oh the wonder! But the expectations were harder to keep up with than the fashion. My father-in-law is a constant reminder of the womanly expectations I'm supposed to be upholding being his son's wife. He constantly says things like, "Well you wouldn't be hungry if that wife of yours would feed you" and "You just need a new wife. One that does what she's supposed to do." The day before our wedding Steve sent my husband Jeff a "joke":

A little boy walked into the kitchen and asked his mom, "Mommy why do bride's wear white?" His mom replied, "That show's her soon to be husband that she loves him and that she is pure." The little boy nodded and went to the living room and found his dad in front of the TV, "Dad," he said, "Why do brides wear white?" His dad laughed and said, "Oh son, all house hold appliances come in white."

Thank you Steve. I know he loves me, my mother-in-law has told me how he talks about me when I'm not around, but there are some days I feel like he thinks I'm not good enough for his son. I love Steve so much, but sometimes I wonder: If I cleaned as much and he thinks I should, weighed as much as society says, and cooked like the perfect wife I "should" he'd approve of me. I'm just one blunder after another, but Jeff loves me no matter how clean our house is or isn't, if dinner is cooked, charcoal, or late night Chinese. Jeff doesn't expect me to be a "cookie cutter" wife and I think that's what he loves about me the most...I'm Dory and I can't be anything more, or better than that.

Fear of Drowning

Swimming. It's any easy thing to do. It's like ridding a bike, one never forgets how, but entering unfamiliar waters may cause one to panic. A new semester is like entering said waters. I can't help but have this horrible fear of drowning! My head goes under, the currents grabs my feet and pulls me down deeper and deeper until I feel the only way out is to give up! I can't give up! I wont give up! My arms rip at the water, my legs kick with furry and I soon break through the surface gasping for air. I will make it! I just have to learn how to swim again.